The Story of the Ten Commandments (as told by Coises)

In the elder days, there was no one king, and no single law; and the people lived in strife, arguing and bickering with one another.

And many of them came to Moses, who was accounted wise, to ask his counsel. And Moses looked upon the people and saw that most of their troubles were of their own making: when they were careless or cruel or vain or inconsiderate, they reaped the inevitable reward of their own misdeeds. And so, when they came to him for advice, hoping to best the enemies whom they themselves had made, Moses said to them, “Clean up your act!” And they said to Moses, “Who died and made you God? Fuck off, arsehole!” And Moses was sorely vexed.

And so it came to pass that Moses climbed the holy mountain, which is called Sinai, to meet with the Lord God. And God said, “What’chya know, Mo?”

And Moses said, “The congregation of the people is in disarray. They do not know wrong from right, folly from wisdom, shit from shinola. You must instruct them in the proper conduct of their lives!” And God replied, “No way, José.” And seeing that Moses did not understand, He continued, “If there’s one thing You learn when You’re Lord over an entire universe, it’s how to delegate responsibility. I made spiders and I had to teach them how to spin. I made gazelles and I had to teach them how to run. I made lions and I had to teach them how to hunt. (That worked out okay for the lions… not so great for the gazelles.) I gave you people free will. You figure it out!”

And Moses said, “But what shall I tell the people? They will not accept my wisdom. They will abandon their ignorance and depart from their evil ways only upon the very Word of God.” And God said, “Tell ’em to think for themselves.”

Whereupon Moses fell to the ground in a fit of laughter. “Are You off Your Holy Nut?” he cried. “Have you talked to these people lately? They’re casting golden idols and worshipping Cyprus trees. I’m pretty sure that pack of inbreeds on the south side still howl at the moon. Think for themselves? Some of them only started walking upright last week!”

Then God smiled to Himself and said patiently, “I told you I wouldn’t tell you what to do—any of you. If you believe you must give the people laws, then give them laws. If you believe you must say they are My Laws, then say they are My Laws. Eventually you’ll all figure it out.” Moses asked, “But how shall I know what laws to give?” and God replied, “What part of ‘Not My problem’ don’t you understand? Tell ’em to wear beanies and cut off their foreskins for all I care! Just don’t expect Me to back you up... in case anyone ever asks.” Moses began once more, “Lord?” and God said, “Way ahead of you, Mo: there’s a couple of stone tablets and a hammer and chisel right over there. One word of advice, though—try to keep it brief, OK? You’ve always been a bit wordy.”

And so Moses went to work, muttering something about the sneaking feeling he’d just been had.